I know I have a long title but over the last 2 weeks I have been able to experience what that means in multiple ways.
2 weeks ago (March 3, 2008), I got sick with a stomach bug that kept me from work and not able to really prep for a training I was to do. I couldn’t eat without the feeling of wanting to upchuck what I ate so I was refraining. I had a virus that did things to me I can only discuss with my doctor and another Peace Corps Volunteer. I know this sounds pretty silly but here we talk about everything that happens to us inside and out and sometimes it can become a competition. By Saturday the stomach bug was still causing havoc and a throat infection (tonsillitis) had developed. I was having issues from every area. For the first time in my life drugs were not helping, I was not in my own bed, I was still working and I wasn’t being cared for by my family.
By Tuesday I was much better but participating in a training that had me sitting in a chair for 6 hours but my mind working like a race horse. I cannot express how intense the training was. Saturday my throat problem decided to come back but I finished my prescription on Wednesday. My medical officer said I was going to have to let it run its course. What does she mean??? I am actually going to have to take it like a tough girl??? Well I’m not a tough girl and I want it to go away. Maybe I’m just a sucker for punishment but I’m letting this virus do its thing and hope to god it leaves my system soon cause this really sucks.
In the mean time I was away on the road for 8 days doing and participating in 2 trainings. I left Thursday March 6, 2008 sick and miserable but ready to show my will power, that mind over matter thing and conquer. By the following Wednesday I had received a few nice texts that I was missed from people and I was having withdrawals from seeing the kids at the center. I knew I was a homebody before I left the states but I have become really attached to my home here. I even missed my cat Harold, like no other. I wanted to be at home.
Friday I had the chance to stop in at work when I got home and found out 2 kids were sent to the National Center for Mental Health while I was gone and I was really upset since one of the kids I was really attached to. I think it hit me harder than normal because I was overtired and getting sick again. That night I was with some community members and I was totally culturally inappropriate but now looking back on it I can only think “Oops” and next time I’m in a emotional and physical crisis not to accept any invitations to visit with people, my social skills are terrible and I’m way to sarcastic for anyone to handle.
I felt very alone this weekend with my thoughts. I like to share how I feel because it helps me process but out here I’m not understood like I am back at home and the words are taken differently. My actions here are strange and misunderstood. Last Friday I didn’t want to go home because I wasn’t ready to be around people so I went for a walk down a side street I really like and sat at a gate just to think. It was near a councilor’s farm and he was alerted by some neighbors that there was a “tisay” (fair skinned girl – white girl) sitting by herself which is not normal. People here are rarely alone and if someone is sitting by themselves to think this is a very bad sign. My host dad was even alerted by an extended relative of my actions before I got home and wanted to know why I was there and doing that. Not being able to be honest is hard especially for me who likes to talk about my feelings.
I love it here and I love my job but it is really hard and the emotional rollercoaster is one wild ride. I get to learn right now not by being taught but by experience.
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3 comments:
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Dieta, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://dieta-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
HI,Kate,
I'm sorry that you're feeling homesick and lonely. That's understandable. I was born in the Philippines and I live in the US. I know, I know--the people there can be so nosy--(which i can't stand) but they mean well. They're probably worried about you--that you're not having a good time. They actually take a lot of pride in knowing that you're enjoying yourself and engaging--which makes it worse because a makes you feel an added responsibility for their feelings also. The best advise I can give you is to just try to explain to them that you're missng your family and would like to just have a few quiet moments to yourself to think things over. That should do it. Explain to them that it's not them or anything they said or did. It's just you--like any normal person away from home. Okay?
That's it. Email me if you feel like. Hopefully, you're fine by now--remember--you're young--and by the time you reach 40, you won't likely be able to do peace corps anymore, so savor every moment.
Wish you only good things, Ellie
if you feel like emailing me, here's my address: ellie.martin@ymail.com.
sometimes, when you're far from home--it's just very hard to undertand and to be understood. and you don't know what to feel-like feeling annoyed and angst when you feel like you shouldn't be feeling those things. just smile it through.
i know--i've been there. i'm in my 40s and married. and don't worry--these things happen to everyone. it's all right. -ellie
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